So, I was explaining my current situation to someone, and I kept the detials just light enough for her to get the full picture, but without revealing any deeper information that could mess with anyone's privacy filters... and then I threw that in my journal... because... I'm journaling the fuck out of this thing.
Emotionally I'm too much of a mess to do any real writing. But, I figure I can turn this around at some point by keeping a very close eye on my fluctuating emotions. Now the next time I have to write a character that's suffering from some separation anxiety, I can harvest those emotions from my journals.
So, I took that letter and tossed it into my journal... because some of it is just story gold. And then I realized that HEY, this is a great way to update people on what's going on with me.
Ergo:
- - -
Things seem to be normalizing out a bit... but, everything is still in a state of flux. I'll have times when I'm fine with everything that's happening, and I'll also go through periods of anxiety and depression. I cried myself to sleep the night before last. Put up with nausea the entirety of yesterday... slept 'okay-ish' last night. Tummy seems calmer today.
Ever have one of those relationships that starts off with so much promise? Like "This thing! This thing is AWESOME! Look at my new shiny! Isn't it awesome?" And then you find out that your new shiny is nothing more than flaking nickel plate over already tarnished copper?
Fuck... it just hurts so much, because he does this Jekel and Hyde thing.
Jekel reminds me of someone I lost a long time ago. And where I no longer grieve that 'person', I still deeply grieve the way I 'felt' when I was with that person. Jekel is that level of awesome, and a bag of chips. I mean... my gosh... the awesome.
Whereas Hyde reminds me of my very emotionally abusive ex.
You see the issue?
So, on the one hand, I'm smart enough to not let Hyde anywhere near me. Our relationship has been placed on 'long distance until further notice' status.
Also, I understand the problem. This kid (20 years my junior) has simply NEVER had any sort of positive role model. No one has ever taught him that all that he knows about relationships and how to treat one's loved ones is wrong. And, like it or not, people are not born with practical common sense already installed in the programming. They have to learn that shit, and there are extenuating reasons why he never has.
So... now I'm in that tender place of knowing that I am his last, best hope for any sort of a mentor. So, I refuse to abandon him completely. But, I also need to remain emotionally disinvested enough to stay safe for my own mental health reasons. My self-worth doesn't depend on his success or failure to 'nut up' at this point.
I'm fully aware that it could take years for him to learn from his mistakes, and I'm okay with that. I'm patient enough for that.
But, fuck... it hurts to be just on the other side of that wall from the 'awesome'.
I have an amazing mentor though... so, at least I have that. It took my husband 8 years of trial and error and watching me fuck up and fall flat on my face and then fuck up again and fall so far in the hole we both thought I'd never find my way back out again... Hubbs is brilliant at this sort of thing. I've learned volumes upon volumes on how to play the 'long game' from him.
So... there's that too (sorry I'm still on coffee - brain is all scattered at the moment). Anyway.
Having this experience is giving me a new appreciation for what my husband went through when he found me as a broken thing and re-forged me better.
So... LOL, yeah, it hurts. But it's a worthy hurt. I'm learning from this and I LOVE that, but fuck...
... ow...
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