Tarnished Awesome still has the potential to be Shiny Awesome... but... ow.

So, I was explaining my current situation to someone, and I kept the detials just light enough for her to get the full picture, but without revealing any deeper information that could mess with anyone's privacy filters... and then I threw that in my journal... because... I'm journaling the fuck out of this thing.

Emotionally I'm too much of a mess to do any real writing.  But, I figure I can turn this around at some point by keeping a very close eye on my fluctuating emotions.  Now the next time I have to write a character that's suffering from some separation anxiety, I can harvest those emotions from my journals.

So, I took that letter and tossed it into my journal... because some of it is just story gold.  And then I realized that HEY, this is a great way to update people on what's going on with me.

Ergo:

- - -

Things seem to be normalizing out a bit... but, everything is still in a state of flux. I'll have times when I'm fine with everything that's happening, and I'll also go through periods of anxiety and depression. I cried myself to sleep the night before last. Put up with nausea the entirety of yesterday... slept 'okay-ish' last night. Tummy seems calmer today. 

Ever have one of those relationships that starts off with so much promise? Like "This thing! This thing is AWESOME! Look at my new shiny! Isn't it awesome?" And then you find out that your new shiny is nothing more than flaking nickel plate over already tarnished copper?

Fuck... it just hurts so much, because he does this Jekel and Hyde thing. 

Jekel reminds me of someone I lost a long time ago. And where I no longer grieve that 'person', I still deeply grieve the way I 'felt' when I was with that person. Jekel is that level of awesome, and a bag of chips. I mean... my gosh... the awesome.

Whereas Hyde reminds me of my very emotionally abusive ex.

You see the issue?

So, on the one hand, I'm smart enough to not let Hyde anywhere near me. Our relationship has been placed on 'long distance until further notice' status.

Also, I understand the problem. This kid (20 years my junior) has simply NEVER had any sort of positive role model. No one has ever taught him that all that he knows about relationships and how to treat one's loved ones is wrong. And, like it or not, people are not born with practical common sense already installed in the programming. They have to learn that shit, and there are extenuating reasons why he never has.

So... now I'm in that tender place of knowing that I am his last, best hope for any sort of a mentor. So, I refuse to abandon him completely. But, I also need to remain emotionally disinvested enough to stay safe for my own mental health reasons. My self-worth doesn't depend on his success or failure to 'nut up' at this point. 

I'm fully aware that it could take years for him to learn from his mistakes, and I'm okay with that. I'm patient enough for that.

But, fuck... it hurts to be just on the other side of that wall from the 'awesome'.

I have an amazing mentor though... so, at least I have that. It took my husband 8 years of trial and error and watching me fuck up and fall flat on my face and then fuck up again and fall so far in the hole we both thought I'd never find my way back out again... Hubbs is brilliant at this sort of thing. I've learned volumes upon volumes on how to play the 'long game' from him.

So... there's that too (sorry I'm still on coffee - brain is all scattered at the moment). Anyway. 

Having this experience is giving me a new appreciation for what my husband went through when he found me as a broken thing and re-forged me better. 

So... LOL, yeah, it hurts. But it's a worthy hurt. I'm learning from this and I LOVE that, but fuck... 

... ow...

I never take my TARDIS off.

I received this wonderful TARDIS necklace as a gift.

I just had to post an open thank you.  I never take it off.  It's like a religious symbol for me now.

... 3D TARDIS necklace, courtesy of ThinkGeek.

Terminator Love

A few days ago I was riding in the back of a cab and musing to myself silently...  I found myself thinking about the appearance of Linda Hamilton in Syfy's Defiance.

Oh Linda... so much love... so little time.

You were the first Sarah Connor.  Could anyone live up to you?

I was extremely skeptical of Lena Headey in the role of Sarah Connor at first, but she eventually won me over.

Now... much to my extraordinary delight... a new face is going to be applied to the character I have loved for the better part of the last three decades.

Emilia Clarke, whom I fucking adore the hell out if as Daenerys Targaryen in Game of Thrones, will be playing Sarah Connor in the upcoming Terminator: Genisys.

When I think about the similarities between Daenerys and Sarah, this just makes sense.

Both women begin their journey with no clue about the personal power they possess.  Both women were literally thrust into the arms of warriors.  Both women found love.  Both women lost that love.  Both women rose from those ashes to become extraordinary.

I've always identified strongly with Daenerys as a domestic abuse survivor and I share her experience as someone transformed by a warriors love.

But I want to come back to the original point of this post.

I have always held a deep abiding love for the the movie Terminator.

Why?

Because it's one of the greatest love stories ever told.

What?  Are you crazy?  It's a cheesy sci-fi/action flick!

No, it's not.

Well okay, yes it is, BUT that's not all it is.  It's also one of the greatest love stories ever told.

Think about the relationship between Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor.  He literally crossed time and space just to be with her.

"I came across time for you, Sarah.  I love you.  I always have."*

Can you imagine what it was like for Sarah to be on the receiving end of that kind of devotion?

And let's not forget the performance of Michael Beihn.  Ye Gods, where do I even start?

He can be strong without being an ass and he can be vulnerable without being a wuss.  He was the perfect choice for the role of Kyle Reese.  I'm not sure anyone** could fill those shoes.

Now, much like my connection to Daenerys, I also have a connection to Sarah.  I can't go into details, but I will say that the Beloved One is exactly the type of person who would cross time and space just to be with me.  I know exactly what it's like to be on the receiving end of that kind of devotion.

Fortunately, I differ strongly from both of these women in one particular regard.  My Beloved One hasn't died tragically on me, for which I'm eternally grateful.

I also kinda doubt my ability to survive him.  Sorry, as much as I admire these women... I have no desire to follow in their footsteps.  The Beloved One and I have a deal.  I get to be the one who dies first.

Now, I know there are skeptics when it comes to Terminator: Genisys.  The story is overdone and poorly sequeled, as is the case with many great attempts at well told fiction.  But, it's not the tired, time travel, sci-fi drivel that has me worried.  I'm pretty sure they're going to botch that... I agree with the nay sayers on that point.

It's the love story I'm concerned with.  If they botch that, I'll be seriously pissed.

For now, I remain hopeful though.

--

*NOTE:  I could not find the actual clip where Kyle speaks that line.  If you have it, let me know!!

**Jai Courtney, who played Varro in the Cable TV series Spartacus, will be taking on the role of Kyle Reese.  I wish him the best, but...

--

!!SPOILER!!

If you've never seen the original Terminator movie, don't read past this point.

One of the most touching elements of this original love story is the photograph of Sarah that Kyle carries with him.  It's an old polaroid.  Worn, faded, and creased from being folded in his pocket.  

Kyle tells Sarah that he always wondered what she was thinking when that photo was taken.

In the end of the movie Sarah is recording a tape for her future son John, and wondering what she's going to tell him about his father.  She drifts off... she's thinking about him.  She's so sad... she's on the verge of tears.

SNAP

Some little kid running a hussle takes a picture of her and tells her that if he doesn't sell it to her, his father will beat him.  She doesn't fall for it, but she buys the photo anyway and looks at it.

It's the same picture.

That thing Kyle had been wondering?  What was she thinking about when the picture was taken?  

She was thinking of him.

You, WHO?

So, it's been a bit of an identity crisis lately.

It started when I began to re-insert myself into the world of social media and online "life sharing"  When I was choosing a Twitter username I realized I no longer felt connected to SarahAnneSmith40.  Truthfully I always kinda hated it because of the '40', but when I was originally creating my Sarah Anne Smith online identity I had to get creative with the gmail address because it was kinda taken.

Anywho,  (you see what I did there?)

The '40' was a promise that I made to myself.  I swore that I would do something significant before I turned 41, and that basically didn't happen.  Having the '40' there was a bit of a constant reminder of my failure.

The name Sarah Anne Smith was born out if a desire to sever myself completely from my blood family.  The individual components of the name: Sarah, Anne and Smith were based on the alternates of my multiple personality disorder.

Now THERE is an interesting tidbit. That whole multiple personality thing.  I'm not exactly sure just when my personalty transitioned from merely fractured to full on broken, but the voices in my head had become something more than just that.  The really cool part is that they are me from five years in the future of my own time line.  My perfect selves, realized.

Sarah is a survivalist, a warrior.  Think Sarah Connor.
Anne is a sensual healer, a sex mage, a carnalmancer.
Smith is a web designer.  Her real name, in my head, is Code Monkey.

Okay, but here's the thing.

I can't hear the voices anymore.  I haven't for a long time.  And I don't think that means I'm healed or cured.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Truth is, I'm more broken than ever.

I don't identify as a survivalist anymore.  In fact, I just purged my Facebook friends list of anyone connected to military, law enforcement, tactical gear, firearms training or private citizen gun ownership.  I went from over 300 friends to 82.  I remember when I had big dreams of starting an empowerment course for domestic abuse survivors that placed 90% of it's empowerment emphasis on fire arms training.  Yeah... that's all gone now.

I guess I could still be a healer if I weren't so broken.  Not to mention the fact that the Beloved One keeps me so satisfied in the love, sex and relationships departments that I don't really have any desire to be polyamorous anymore.

And lastly, I don't identify as a web designer or a digital artist anymore.  Truthfully, the back end standards are evolving so fast that I can't keep up, and maintaining the software necessary to achieve optimal output gets really damn impossible when on a very limited and fixed income.

I digress...

When picking my Twitter name I suddenly came up with the idea of Companion Anne.  I've been Doctor Who'ing a lot lately and @CompanionAnne just had a nice ring to it.

Here's why it makes sense:

1. Hearing the voices of my future selves makes me a sort of time traveler.
2. The Beloved One is a sort of time traveler as well.  (but I'm not going into details on that)
3. His nickname has been 'Doc' since the very dawn of time. 
4. In addition to the implications of the word 'Companion' in the Whoverse, the Whedonverse Companion is very much a sensual healer.

Ergo; "Companion" + "Anne" just works.  

Not only that, there's the reality that the combined, Sarah Anne Smith is also a multi-faceted reference to the Whoverse.  From the way that the Doctor uses the name John Smith when he wishes to go incognito and blend in, to the Companion so beloved by the fans of the Whoverse that she got her own spin off series... twice.

So you see the 'Companion' thing really isn't all that new.  It's always been there in the shadows and just recently found an excuse to make itself known.  

Rose Tyler, another Compaion, said it best:  

"I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself. I take the words... ...I scatter them, in time and space. A message, to lead myself here."