Tarnished Awesome still has the potential to be Shiny Awesome... but... ow.

So, I was explaining my current situation to someone, and I kept the detials just light enough for her to get the full picture, but without revealing any deeper information that could mess with anyone's privacy filters... and then I threw that in my journal... because... I'm journaling the fuck out of this thing.

Emotionally I'm too much of a mess to do any real writing.  But, I figure I can turn this around at some point by keeping a very close eye on my fluctuating emotions.  Now the next time I have to write a character that's suffering from some separation anxiety, I can harvest those emotions from my journals.

So, I took that letter and tossed it into my journal... because some of it is just story gold.  And then I realized that HEY, this is a great way to update people on what's going on with me.

Ergo:

- - -

Things seem to be normalizing out a bit... but, everything is still in a state of flux. I'll have times when I'm fine with everything that's happening, and I'll also go through periods of anxiety and depression. I cried myself to sleep the night before last. Put up with nausea the entirety of yesterday... slept 'okay-ish' last night. Tummy seems calmer today. 

Ever have one of those relationships that starts off with so much promise? Like "This thing! This thing is AWESOME! Look at my new shiny! Isn't it awesome?" And then you find out that your new shiny is nothing more than flaking nickel plate over already tarnished copper?

Fuck... it just hurts so much, because he does this Jekel and Hyde thing. 

Jekel reminds me of someone I lost a long time ago. And where I no longer grieve that 'person', I still deeply grieve the way I 'felt' when I was with that person. Jekel is that level of awesome, and a bag of chips. I mean... my gosh... the awesome.

Whereas Hyde reminds me of my very emotionally abusive ex.

You see the issue?

So, on the one hand, I'm smart enough to not let Hyde anywhere near me. Our relationship has been placed on 'long distance until further notice' status.

Also, I understand the problem. This kid (20 years my junior) has simply NEVER had any sort of positive role model. No one has ever taught him that all that he knows about relationships and how to treat one's loved ones is wrong. And, like it or not, people are not born with practical common sense already installed in the programming. They have to learn that shit, and there are extenuating reasons why he never has.

So... now I'm in that tender place of knowing that I am his last, best hope for any sort of a mentor. So, I refuse to abandon him completely. But, I also need to remain emotionally disinvested enough to stay safe for my own mental health reasons. My self-worth doesn't depend on his success or failure to 'nut up' at this point. 

I'm fully aware that it could take years for him to learn from his mistakes, and I'm okay with that. I'm patient enough for that.

But, fuck... it hurts to be just on the other side of that wall from the 'awesome'.

I have an amazing mentor though... so, at least I have that. It took my husband 8 years of trial and error and watching me fuck up and fall flat on my face and then fuck up again and fall so far in the hole we both thought I'd never find my way back out again... Hubbs is brilliant at this sort of thing. I've learned volumes upon volumes on how to play the 'long game' from him.

So... there's that too (sorry I'm still on coffee - brain is all scattered at the moment). Anyway. 

Having this experience is giving me a new appreciation for what my husband went through when he found me as a broken thing and re-forged me better. 

So... LOL, yeah, it hurts. But it's a worthy hurt. I'm learning from this and I LOVE that, but fuck... 

... ow...

Life Events and Other Awesome...

I'm not sure how much of this I can really go into... let's just say that something wonderful has happened.

I'm still in recovery... but I feel a lot less broken these days.

I don't know if I'll ever be 100% ready do go back out into the big bad world, but with other things that have advanced, I might not need to.

I started writing again... for reals.

And, I'm going back to school to do whatever it takes to improve my craft.

Thank you to my friends who've given me their unwavering support during my darkness.

Thank you to the Beloved One for staying by my side.

Thank you to the healers who have helped me get back to a better place.

Witch Born - original artwork by Eve Ventrue

America's Next Top Model is oddly comforting.

I know, right?  You totally weren't expecting that, but hear me out.

THIS:

Courtney DuPerow

She's beautiful...

 ... and tortured.

She's a bully survivor.

I don't think she's ever had a real friend a day in her life.

The other models this cycle... well they've been bullying her too.

Courtney is living proof that being beautiful is not a magic bullet for happiness.  Everyone knows that I don't show my face because I'm ashamed of the fact that I'm so overweight.  I don't feel beautiful on the outside, but you know what?  The beautiful people in that house are relentlessly ugly to her.  They pretend to be her friends until she trusts them.  Then they cut her down behind her back while she cries in the next room.  They KNOW she can hear everything they're saying about her.  They're total dick bags.

She's real.

She's unique.

She's a good person.

If you guys get a chance, reach out to her on Twitter: @babygirl031994

Tell her not to give in.  Tell her not to give up.  Watching her story has helped me realize that my outsides not matching my insides is the least of my worries.  I find it very comforting to know that so-called 'beautiful people' have their challenges and insecurities too.

I think deep down, we're all human.

Right?

Where the hell is my Ariste implant?! (i.e. struggling with identity)

In a fictional verse of wonder, written by Walter Jon Williams, people with multiple identities have one hell of an advantage.  A wetware implant that allows each voice to operate independently.  Each individual personality can be assigned to his or her own project, and the overall result is that one physical body's worth of a person can multi-task like a son of a bitch.  Aristoi

I've been trying really hard to let each of my projects flourish under the same level of care and attention, and the result I got was overworking myself into major meltdown space.

*sigh*

The experts have told me that I need to just focus on one thing at a time.

It's a struggle, but I see what they mean.

For the month of July and probably a good portion of August, I will be letting my Amanda Harris voice come to the foreground.  Amanda writes psychological horror and is participating in the 2015 Camp NaNoWriMo.

During the month of August I will be working on getting Amanda's work published.

September I will return to my anti-bully campaign, The Bronykin Alliance.

October, November & December I will be back with Amanda for NaNoWriMo2015

Past that... I'm not really sure... I have other voices that need attention.

If you need to reach me, my email is companion.anne@gmail.com

Stage Fright: Come for the Songs, Stay for the BLOOD!

Quite a while back, probably going on about 20 years, my circle of friends and I had an absolutely wonderful tradition.

Monday Night Movies (Later Sunday Night Cinema)

It was great because we were all very different people, from very different backgrounds, and collectively we had a very diverse and eclectic pallet when it came to entertainment.  We all added our favorite movies to the groups 'must see' list.

There are movies I NEVER would have watched, had it not been for MNM/SNC.  Example; anything sports related = so NOT my thing.  Nevertheless, one movie in particular, about a high school football team, is one of my absolute favorites.  I'm looking at you Varsity Blues!   >.<

"Kyle, did you start a cult?  Oh, that's so sweeeet!"

Sadly, I don't have that close knit circle of friends in my life anymore.  We've all moved away, moved on...  We're friends on Facebook, but we don't even interact there really.

I miss that, because I would have inflicted Stage Fright on them without abandon.

Stage Fright is a typical, run of the mill, campers and counselors vs. a mask wearing, knife wielding, terrifying SLASHER.

Except it's not typical, for one reason:  It's a musical.

Oh, yes!  You read that right!  It's a frakkin MUSICAL!

Not only is it a musical, it's a musical about a summer camp for stage geeks that love musicals, who are preparing for and performing... you got it... a musical.  It's a musical about a musical.  Wouldn't that be a Meta-Musical?

You kind of have to survive the first seven minutes, and then THIS:



I made it to about the part that takes place near the totem pole when I was like:  "Nope!  Can't do it!"  I shut the laptop, I grabbed the giant blue fuzzy blankie and I stalked out to the living room.  I pointed to the Beloved One, I pointed to the big TV.  "Netflix, big TV, NOW.  You are doing this with me."

"Oooh kaaayyy?  What exactly am I doing now?  And why?"

"JUST DO IT!"

Two hours later, we were both in stitches... it was HILARIOUS!!

A bit campy...

(Ba-dum-bump!)

Frances the Ostara Bunny

I'm raising my daughter Pagan.  She's highly spiritual in her own right and says she believes in ALL the gods (which I think is cool as hell).  For being an eleven-year old she is very tolerant of the religious and spiritual beliefs of others.

Now, the thing about ancient paganism as a way of life is that the religion, in addition to it's deep connection to nature, usually boils down to either survival of the self, or survival of the species.  This means a lot of the holidays, rituals and rites of passage usually involve some sort of hunting, agriculture or, well, sex.

So, being a pagan parent I worked at finding something child friendly for my daughter to believe in.  I remembered reading one variation of The Legend of Ostara in a calendar of Goddesses.  I began to tell this version of the story to my daughter.

It became much more than a story.  It also became a parable for radical acceptance.  Ostara became my daughters Goddess and best friend.

Then I got creative, nerdy, and a little pranky.

I convinced my daughter that Ostara's bunny rabbit was named "Frances", which you may know is a (insert word that means opposite of nickname) for "Frank".

As in... Frank... the Bunny.

I'm waiting until she's way older before I let her in on the joke.

Social Media Marketing Snafuu

It has come to my attention that Twitter itself is no longer supporting recurring tweets, as it constitutes SPAM.  So I'm deleting my existing recurring tweets from Hootsuite.

I may continue to use Hootsuite to cross post content, but I am deleting my recurring posts.

So, that's it.  If I tweet something and you miss it, tough luck, it's not getting tweeted again.

Life Hacking etc...

A month ago I posted that I'd be making new weekly entries on my hobby progress with my knitting.  LOL, yeah... that didn't happen.

I actually became so overwhelmingly obsessed with the yarn therapy that I fucked off everything else on my to-do list.

On the one hand, there are much worse things to be addicted to.  On the other hand, an addiction is an addiction and by the very nature of its definition, it's disruptive to the rest of ones life.  It was even getting in the way of my being responsive to the Beloved One's affections.  Not to mention how it was getting in the way of my other mental health progress.  Although, I should note as a side that my depression has gone from severe to moderate since I started knitting again.

My therapist and I agree on weekly homework assignments to further my mental health recovery process.  This weeks homework assignment is to begin tracking how much I do of what on a daily basis so I can build up to the end goal of better time management and greater productivity overall.

This is the very nature of Life Hacking.

Here's what I've implemented so far:

Goal Setting; Lifetick - website:

Pros	Cons
Easy to use Task list breakdown  Complete tasks to achieve goal Status, Journal and Reports	Limited capacity free version Expensive full version No free trial period

I think I need to research better free alternatives for Goal Setting

Personal Metrics; DAYTUM - website:

Pros	Cons
Incredibly versatile Multiple options for charts and graphs so you can SEE what is being measured Inexpensive full version	Hasn't been updated since 2010 (the creators abandoned the project when they went to work for Facebook) Inability to customize data with color groups (all visual displays are a simple gradient of the same color)

Task List(s); TickTick - website & cross platform apps:

Pros	Cons
Cross platform - will work an any computer or device Effortless syncing across devices Supports multiple, color coded, task lists with room for notes and sub-lists Ability to set recurring tasks Ability to set due dates	NONE

That's right, NO CONS!!  Though I will be suggesting to the developers that 'sleep' and 'snooze' functions be added to the recurring function.

--

The one major hitch here is that I'm using three separate programs in an effort to achieve better time management overall, thus it's a tad counterproductive, but I believe the process is sound.  The task list tells me what to do, the metrics tell me how much time I spend doing things and the goal setting gives me a finished, polished project.

Overall, I'm very happy with the progress I've made in the last few days.

New Series: Sunday Sanity (Yarn Therapy Updates)

Few weeks back, the Beloved One got me a tablet.  Not a computer, just an ordinary Android tablet.  It uses the same OS as my phone and I can cloudshare things between them and my laptop as well.

I use the phone for keeping track of things.  It has apps for everything:  Pill reminders, calorie intake, exercise, period calendar, task lists... even meters to measure my progress in my writing projects.

I was using it for entertainment as well.  It has Netflix, Hulu, Xfinity to go...

The tablet is now the official 'watching machine'.  This way the Beloved One get's to monopolize the big living room TV LOL.

The tablet is also what the Little One uses on her weekends.  She plays My Little Pony or keeps up to date on her Animae and Doctor Who.

Oh, and I've been playing The Sims.

--

I digress...

I have several regular medical appointments that I need to keep each week and I've been just chucking the tablet in my purse to keep me occupied while I'm stuck in the waiting rooms.

I was worried about the screen getting scratched while I was in transit, and it was on 'The List' to pick up a simple sleeve for it.  I didn't need a case, just a sleeve.  However, even the cheap ones would cost money I didn't really have.

And then there they were...

... my knitting needles.

My knitting needles and TONS of unused yarn.

--

At one point in my life...  I had been bitten by the knitting bug.

It happened entirely on accident, and I wholeheartedly blame Hello Kitty for it too.

It was the Little One's birthday, and the Beloved One and I had bought two of each of the three Hello Kitty craft kits.  The idea was to have the Little One and I do them together.  Two were tote bags, one was a 'Knit a Hello Kitty Scarf' kit.

By the way, mine looks NOTHING like this!!

Sadly this was a misguided effort to bond with my daughter.  You see on the package it's listed as 'For Ages 3 and Up'.  This has everything to do with the presence of chokey bits in the kit and absolutely nothing to do with the attention span of the child in question.

I wound up making all the projects myself.

When it came to the knitting, I had a bit of a tough time at first.  I tried to follow the instructions but they were ... less than helpful for a beginner.  I researched... I watched video's online...  I bought a couple of skeins of 'practice yarn'.

One utterly horrible scarf later, I was ready to start on the Hello Kitty.  

I'd asked the Little One if she wanted me to make her two matching scarves, so we could each wear one... or if she'd like me to make her one large scarf.  She opted for one large.  

It looks like hell... but she loves it.

I was getting the hang of it though.

I was also getting addicted.

Knitting turned out to be more than just a hobby.  It was becoming therapy.  It was left brain/right brain unity + meditative + productive.  The result was almost euphoric.

--

And then the knitting bug got squished under the jackboot of the homelessness crisis.

I didn't touch yarn for about three years.

After we moved into the new place, my box of knitting stuff just sat there, untouched...  I had lost all hope that I would be bitten by the bug again.  This made me very sad.  Oh so very very sad.

--

And then...

Tablet.

Kiki (yes, the tablet's name is Kiki), needed something to protect her during the cab rides and things.

I dug through my stash and found a single, small skein, of a really pretty, soft, mauve wool.  I grabbed a pack of double pointed needles and got to work... and fucked it up royally.  It was about an inch too big.  So, I ripped it and started over.  It came out almost perfect the second time.  If I were to do it again, I'd revamp the upper flap.

It's important to note that I've FORGOTTEN much of the skill.  I've had to hit the YouTube and watch video's on even the most basic things, like casting on.

I have enough yarn for a few more projects.  The plan is to sell them and immediately recycle the funds into more materials for more projects.  This is therapy after all, and should be done daily.  I'm not intending for it to be a lucrative hobby... far from it.  I just need it to at the very least pay for itself.