Little One :)

My daughter is a high functioning Autistic in Special Ed. Because she's in Special Ed, parent/teacher conferences are done a bit differently. Instead of just showing up with all the other parents and getting 15 minutes with one teacher, her dad and I are invited to an hour-long session with a whole panel of her educational caregivers. 

It actually went better than expected.

Her father doesn't believe in mental illness. He especially doesn't believe that any child of his could be deficient or mentally ill. He's too perfect for that and he fully expects his child to be perfect and academically sound without continued mental health support.

Fortunately, for my daughter, her father and I share joint legal custody and the school only needs one parent to sign off on what types of services she receives. So, last year at this same meeting, I got her set up with an in-school therapist that she meets with every other day.

I think that because of the marked improvement in her grades since starting therapy, he's finally starting to come around. I asked for continued mental health support for her, and much to my surprise, he actually agreed with me.

So, aside from her still being at a very age-inappropriate reading level, she's a rock star and she's excelling at everything else.

Her panel of experts even agreed with me that she's pretty much an emotional mechanics savant, despite her disability. Most autistic children miss social/emotional queues (which she still does), but also, most autistic children are completely baffled by emotions in general. My daughter is the opposite.

The only other problem that was address is how she never reaches out for academic help if she needs it. She insists on self-teaching and then gets frustrated when she doesn't get anywhere. Her fear of failure is pretty huge. 

I know she gets that from how hard her father is on her. How he expects perfection. It's becoming a major issue and it's really crippling her ability to learn. I'm hoping that he finally sees what an asshole he's been and how it's effected her learning for the worst.

Other than that, everyone agreed with me that she seems bright, happy, well adjusted, and shows the appropriate amount of snark for a teenager.

I'm really proud of her.

Been a while since I had an identity crisis... (hello Darkness, my old friend)

I keep thinking I should blog here more often...

... I mean, I have a Facebook fan page for this blog and everything.

The issue is, what the fuck do I blog about?

I'm going through one of those identity crises that we Borderlines are so fluent in.

Do, I blog about my mental health?

Well, guess what, I already have a mental health blog. It's under a pen name because I'm keeping some details private when it comes to my mental health, but that hasn't stopped me from sharing the blog with others. Hell, it's even linked to on my Scribophile Profile Page.

My mental health blog is also closely tied to my Ghost Story (erotica) blog... even though I've not posted there in ages either. I haven't needed to write a Ghost Story in a long time because my current, actual work in progress is technically a Ghost Story.

You see, Ghost is this imaginary lover that lives in my head. Whenever I'm feeling sexually dissatisfied, I'll usually end up fantasizing about someone (real or not) and those fantasies would eventually make it into the Ghost Story blog.

Neither of these blogs are really private anymore. I send people to them all the fucking time.

Okay... so, maybe I should blog about my writing?

Well, guess what again, I already have a professional writer website/blog.

I have my overarching identity, Sarah Anne Smith. But, it's perfectly well known that if I write anything Psychological Horror, it's going under the pen name Amanda Harris (and she has her own Facebook and blog). If I write anything Erotica/Romance related, it's going under the pen name of Jezzabeth Sparrow.

BOTH Amanda and Jezzabeth USE that website (which hasn't been updated in fucking forever).

So, here we are in pure identity crisis mode.

Who owns what?

Who the hell is Sarah Anne Smith, or Companion Anne anymore?

Everything used to have these clearly defined boundaries on who was who and what got posted where, but now all those lines are blurred.

It could be said that Companion Anne would be for general Sarah Anne updates, but most of those end up in the mental health blog anyway.

This is all pretty fucking confusing.

Thanks for listening to me whine.

Acceptable Substitutions:

I wound up fucking off the yoga two days in a row... but, hear me out. I think I'm actually justified in this. (this time, anyway)

A significant portion of my yoga poses are designed to strengthen me where I become the most fatigued during/after some seriously hot sex.

Okay... so, I had an intimate encounter last night. Zero fatigue both during and after.

This morning I accidentally slept in by about 30 minutes, and then coffee and I were slow going because I was responding to messages and updating my private journal and my other blog with a great deal of information.

I was still about to *start* the yoga before 11 am. And that's my rule. I try to be DONE by 11 am, but on slow mornings it's okay if I at least start it by 11.

At 10:45 I received an important phone call. Someone who means more to me than the yoga itself. Someone worthy of taking my time away from my usual routine. As we talked I paced up and down my hallway and during the course of our conversation, my Fitbit signaled that I'd reached my step goal for the day.

Okay, so, technically I DID exercise. Both last night and this morning. So, I'm letting the yoga go for another day. I still feel a little 'off/guilty' about it. But I'm sure I'll be able to let that go soon enough.

Happy Mother Fucking New Year...

The Unicorn and I stayed up until Midnight last night.

We didn't really celebrate. If anything, it was heartbreaking. She goes back to her dad tonight. She goes back to the hell that is his judgment and scrutiny. She goes back to the yelling and spanking. All the mental and physical abuse… all in the name of keeping her disciplined towards a future that only he can see.

Fuck… as little as I've gotten done… my to-do list is nothing but 'recovery' anyway. Spending time with her is always more important, and I don't ever intend to lose sight of that again.

I am going to miss her.

I'm going to miss her a lot.

Fuck you 2017. You're off to one hell of a shitty start.

This morning I fucked off the yoga and poured myself an extra cup of coffee.

Fuck this shit.

Fuck today.

Fuck everything.

I'll get back to saving myself again tomorrow.

A day in the life of thwarting paradox...

My Spawn came with me to see my therapist yesterday.

My Spawn agrees that she and I have the same brain.

My therapist and I agree that she and I have the same brain.

This is the same therapist that I've suggested many a show to. She now trusts my entertainment savviness completely.

Spawn and I told the story of how I now have Spawn addicted to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Originally she was unsure of it. So I made the same deal with her that I did when it was Doctor Who and Supernatural. One episode a day and then she can go back to her anime.

Buffy 1.1 ends in a cliffhanger. She was so annoyed and had me queue up 1.2. By then she was hooked and she finished 1.4 just before bedtime.

It's been nearly a non-stop Buffyfest since then.

My therapist just looks at Spawn, laughs and says "See! That's how she gets you!"

Spawn: "I know, right!?"

Then the three of us proceeded to co-geek the fuck out of Supernatural. It's a wonder we get any therapy in at all, LOL.

There are times I wonder if my therapist and I are cast in someone else's favorite show. That episode would have been killer.

Um... (omg) Merry Frakkin Christmas indeed!!

This year, for all the holidays, I am totally, completely, and absolutely alone. For _reasons_.

My plan for today was to continue to get some critiques done, while continuing to agonize over the snag in my current narrative.

This morning I was just going through my daily routine, which includes a brief check-in to my favorite author sharing site.

Today I noticed a thread in the forums: "Who needs a free membership?" - the poster continued with the exposition that two, free, 1-year membership upgrades were up for grabs. Please comment with how/why premium would be helpful.

So, I posted my whole damn sob story (edited for content, of course). The trauma from a few years ago. My reemergence as an author. The rough year that 2016 was, and concluding with my current plot hole dilemma.

"I've hit this snag. Do I choose door 1, 2, or 3 - would love advice from the pro's, but can't post until I can pay to re-join."

I never expected to get lucky.

But, I did.

I just got the email.

My account has been upgraded.

I can now start posting my work for professional advice.

* * *

HOLY SHIT!!

What's behind Door Number Three?

Damn…

Okay, so, here's the thing. In the past, I've been told places where my characters and story arcs were lagging. Now, I've done enough research into story crafting that I feel like I'm doing well with my current narrative.

But, I've hit a snag.

It felt like I was leaving out too much detail when I was crunching words to fit within my 'midpoint' word limit cap.

Now I'm working on the 'crisis' chapters and I’m fluffing the hell out of it just to bump the words up to the cap.

In other words, my midpoint feels too short, and my crisis doesn't feel long enough.

Suddenly this thing is struggling to fit within the confines of the suggested pacing guide.

I can do one of two things:

1. Continue to follow the pacing guide. Put my trust in the WAY MORE EXPERIENCED author who generated said pacing guide.
2. Throw caution to the wind. Fuck the pacing guide. Extend my midpoint and let my crisis flow naturally.

I know what you're going to say.

It's my story, I should do what I want, right?

Well… are we sure about that? I mean, really?

The potential backlash of fucking the pacing guide sideways is that the work will 'drag' in the middle and my readers will lose interest.

So, we're going with what's behind door #3…

Write both.

Yes… more work… (fuck)

But the only way I can see this going the best way is to do both and then trust the critiques of my beta readers when it comes to deciding which layout the final project will take.

*grumble*

And I was doing so well…