A day in the life of thwarting paradox...

My Spawn came with me to see my therapist yesterday.

My Spawn agrees that she and I have the same brain.

My therapist and I agree that she and I have the same brain.

This is the same therapist that I've suggested many a show to. She now trusts my entertainment savviness completely.

Spawn and I told the story of how I now have Spawn addicted to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Originally she was unsure of it. So I made the same deal with her that I did when it was Doctor Who and Supernatural. One episode a day and then she can go back to her anime.

Buffy 1.1 ends in a cliffhanger. She was so annoyed and had me queue up 1.2. By then she was hooked and she finished 1.4 just before bedtime.

It's been nearly a non-stop Buffyfest since then.

My therapist just looks at Spawn, laughs and says "See! That's how she gets you!"

Spawn: "I know, right!?"

Then the three of us proceeded to co-geek the fuck out of Supernatural. It's a wonder we get any therapy in at all, LOL.

There are times I wonder if my therapist and I are cast in someone else's favorite show. That episode would have been killer.

Um... (omg) Merry Frakkin Christmas indeed!!

This year, for all the holidays, I am totally, completely, and absolutely alone. For _reasons_.

My plan for today was to continue to get some critiques done, while continuing to agonize over the snag in my current narrative.

This morning I was just going through my daily routine, which includes a brief check-in to my favorite author sharing site.

Today I noticed a thread in the forums: "Who needs a free membership?" - the poster continued with the exposition that two, free, 1-year membership upgrades were up for grabs. Please comment with how/why premium would be helpful.

So, I posted my whole damn sob story (edited for content, of course). The trauma from a few years ago. My reemergence as an author. The rough year that 2016 was, and concluding with my current plot hole dilemma.

"I've hit this snag. Do I choose door 1, 2, or 3 - would love advice from the pro's, but can't post until I can pay to re-join."

I never expected to get lucky.

But, I did.

I just got the email.

My account has been upgraded.

I can now start posting my work for professional advice.

* * *

HOLY SHIT!!

What's behind Door Number Three?

Damn…

Okay, so, here's the thing. In the past, I've been told places where my characters and story arcs were lagging. Now, I've done enough research into story crafting that I feel like I'm doing well with my current narrative.

But, I've hit a snag.

It felt like I was leaving out too much detail when I was crunching words to fit within my 'midpoint' word limit cap.

Now I'm working on the 'crisis' chapters and I’m fluffing the hell out of it just to bump the words up to the cap.

In other words, my midpoint feels too short, and my crisis doesn't feel long enough.

Suddenly this thing is struggling to fit within the confines of the suggested pacing guide.

I can do one of two things:

1. Continue to follow the pacing guide. Put my trust in the WAY MORE EXPERIENCED author who generated said pacing guide.
2. Throw caution to the wind. Fuck the pacing guide. Extend my midpoint and let my crisis flow naturally.

I know what you're going to say.

It's my story, I should do what I want, right?

Well… are we sure about that? I mean, really?

The potential backlash of fucking the pacing guide sideways is that the work will 'drag' in the middle and my readers will lose interest.

So, we're going with what's behind door #3…

Write both.

Yes… more work… (fuck)

But the only way I can see this going the best way is to do both and then trust the critiques of my beta readers when it comes to deciding which layout the final project will take.

*grumble*

And I was doing so well…

Unfuck Yourself:

Happy Solstice!!

I have some pretty impressive news.

For quite some time now I've been tracking my daily productivity with a personal metrics website. It's great because it gives me an 'at a glance' view of how I’m spending my time. (daytum.com, for anyone who's interested).

One of my charts is a pie of 'Work Life Balance'. Work is productive time like writing or research. Even blogging counts as 'work' because I'm writing 'something'.

After the most recent breakdown, when all my regular coping mechanisms starting failing one by one, the biggest slice of pie was 'Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself'. There were times when that section was almost half of the pie. I was THAT broken.

Over the last two months, that section has been gradually getting smaller and smaller as more of my coping mechanisms began to reboot and come back online.

*smile* as of yesterday, 'Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself' was the second largest. My current largest wedge is 'Writing  / Blogging'.  *even bigger smile*

Fuck yeah…

It's good to be back. 

Plot Bunnies...

Plot Bunnies is a term I learned when I did NaNo last year. (I skipped NaNo this year, I wasn't back to my full MoJo yet.)

A plot bunny is when your story suddenly gets away from you. And wrangling it back into place can take some work.

Yesterday I was all plotted out. It was going to be a nice, low-key, transitional scene. I was going to (finally) throw in some flashbacks on my Hero so that my reader (yes, I'm looking at you Lee) could understand more of my Hero's motivations.

And then...

LOL...

So... now I have about a thousand words worth of butt sex and I spent the next two thousand words trying to wrangle that plot bunny back into total submission.

*face palm*

Go me.

SSI and Bad JuJu...

My SSI hearing for disability is coming up soon. At least soon enough that I'm starting to get paperwork in the mail from them. More requests to 'prove' my mental health disability.

This just causes bad juju with me. It makes me think of the two years I was homeless and desperately clinging to any ray of hope that would get me off the couches of friends and frienemies.

I’m okay now. I've been safe, stable and housed for almost three years even without the help from SSI. But I hate all the judgement by people who think I'm faking my disability.

I realize they have all the reasons in the world to be suspicious. So many people do succeed at working the system. I hate that too. It just makes problems for those of us who really need the support.

No Fate But What We Make...

Thank you, Sarah 
for your courage

during the dark years

I cannot help you 

with what you soon

must face

Except to say that

the future is not set

You must be stronger

than you imagine 

you can be

You must survive

Or I will never

Exist

Every morning I write the words 'NO FATE' on my arm. This is a part of my daily ritual. This is how I remind myself, every morning, that the future is not set. This is how I survive. By reminding myself that even if all, current, potential outcomes seem grim... all it takes is one chance encounter to change a girls life. Forever.

At any given moment, some love struck super soldier from the future might decide to make a difference.

It doesn't make things suck any less...

But it helps me to remain resilient to the suck.

Thank you friends...

Every once in awhile I just go into hiding.

When there's something I need to work through, I go through these phases where I don't talk to anyone on Facebook and I don't blog... I don't tweet. I just go completely radio silent.

However, I kept thinking about some people that I knew I should check in on, just to let them know how I'm doing. Check in's were made. I also figured a blog update is well overdue.

I wanted to let people know that I'm writing again.

Unfortunately, my main writing blog was moved to a different domain, and there's been some financial hardship, so the domain hasn't been renewed yet. It will be soon.

Writing again has been a huge stepping stone.

When I was going through all the drama, writing as a form of therapy began to fail me. Even though I was still keeping up with my daily private journal, none of this was making it to any form of public setting.

I descended into just yarn and game therapies.

I've been working through my pain, though. I've been on a dating site and I've been making new friends (and lovers). One of them read everything I've written so far on my current work in progress and his enthusiasm to read more just made me want to write a LOT more. *smile* I totally admit it. I wrote more just to impress him. Heh... it worked.

Anyway... what impressed me about yesterday is how many people checked in once I made that blog post. Friends who I never expected to be thinking about me. But they tapped in anyway.

I don't know why, but it always surprises me that I touch so many lives when I'm active. It makes me feel good to know that even when I'm gone. I'm not forgotten.

Bad ass in training... a recovery update.

Things turned to total shit in June. I went into hiding.

I'm mostly okay now. There have been big changes.

One of my goals for recovery was to eventually take up the martial arts. But, with my health issues, this is a problem.

One: Blood thinners. I will only be able to learn movements and forms. I will never be able to spar with a partner because a single hit could result in either internal bleeding or another blood clot.

Two: My non-specific chronic inflammatory condition that had me 100% sedentary for a really long time.

So, the first step here is just to get my body accustomed to movement. I'm happy to report that I'm doing exceptionally well with this.

I've been doing yoga every morning.  :)

I mix movements from my yoga deck and do them along with some of the Mindful Yoga routines done by Corey Roos of White Cloud Wellness.

I don't follow Corey exactly. I don't listen to the mindfulness training while I'm doing the poses. I listen to heavy metal, LOL.

Yeah, you heard me right.

I listen to the Metal Goddesses playlist on Spotify.

So far everyone from Corey himself down to my therapist thinks it's awesome that I listen to heavy metal while I do my morning yoga.

*shrug* what can I say. It's like my way of meditation, Knitting while watching horror movies. This is the part of me that is pure shadow. I can't do anything self-improvement wise that isn't equally made of light and dark like me.

Hey, it works.

So, anyway...




It used to take so much work to motivate me to do the yoga. Now my whole day is shot if I don't. So, that's a good thing.

--

I'm also writing again!!

Current work in progress is about a part succubus girl and a male siren. A lot of it is available to read and critique on if anyone is interested.